Will Blog for Food

Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls", a Christmas carol:

‘Tis the human mating season, 

Falalalala, lalalala.
Lust and widespread fornication,

Falalalala, lalalala.

Boys and girls and gays apparent

Falala lalala lala la.

Couples coming in succession,

Falalalala, lalalala.

Don the dicks with rubber tubing,

Falalalala, lalalala.

Risk of STD infection,
Nuh-uh uh uh uh, uh uh uh uh.

IUD’s for all the ladies,

Oh la la, lalala, lalala.

Many born in mid-November

Tralalalala, lalalala.

As i was studying for my biology midterms, I stumbled upon the following quote:

"The ‘control of nature’ is a phrase conceived in arrogance, born of the Neanderthal age of biology and philosophy, when it was supposed that nature exists for the convenience of man." - Rachel Carson, Silent Spring

Homo arrogens could be a better name for our species.

Simply put, the arrogant idea that the planet that we live in exists to provide for us is killing our planet.  It is arrogant for the human race to assume control over the entire earth. The way we shop, consume, dress ourselves, buy stuff, and consider other materialistic pursuits puts our planet in peril. Every iPod, every new piece of clothing, every piece of jewelry, is a testimony to man’s arrogance. With the way we conduct ourselves in the present, we can not call ourselves the wise man by which we so classify ourselves.

• Jose Rizal wrote novels, poems, and other pieces of literature! Jesus never left any writings of his own.

• Jose Rizal spoke Tagalog, Spanish, German, French, English, Italian, and some other languages! Jesus only spoke Aramaic and possibly some Hebrew.

• Jose Rizal did many things for a lot of people as a doctor, farmer, philosopher, revolutionary, the list goes on! Jesus did less for this world despite his presupposed omnipotence. Turning water into wine? How about turning water into a one-drop-cures-all medication for a change?

• Jose Rizal got to travel! Jesus was stuck in the shithole we call the Middle East. (refer to previous post)

• There is a fairly considerable amount of incontrovertible evidence that Jose Rizal actually existed. Although we can easily prove the existence of Jesus Christ when we see some idiot rolling on the floor, speaking in tongues.

• Come to think of it, we see Jose Rizal’s image everyday in our valuable 1 peso coins. We rarely get to see Jesus’ image in a dirty piece of cloth, or on several occasions, a pancake.

• Jose Rizal’s full name was José Protacio Rizal Mercado Alonso Realonda Morales y Quinto. Jesus never even had a last name. Christ isn’t his last name. It’s just a title meaning "Anointed One", whatever that means.

• Jose Rizal is rumored to have been Hitler’s biological father. Jesus is the son of a god. Okay, Jesus wins on that one, only if the sky-daddy actually exists. But hey, God killed more people in the so-called flood of Genesis. And that’s just one of his many biblical deeds.

• Jose Rizal got his hair cut.

• Jose Rizal got laid.

No argument here folks. Rizal is ‘da man!

That show-off!

Hi, I’m Zachary.

I can walk on water, part an entire sea, turn water into booze, raise someone from the dead, and locate your missing car keys for you. No shit. Really, I can. I have all these supernatural powers. See, I thought about it a bit. Instead, I used my supernatural powers to end all world hunger, find a cure for every disease known to mankind, solve all the worlds financial problems, and made sure George Bush never existed for the betterment of mankind.

What would Jesus do? What exactly DID he do?

See here, this is the kind of bullshit I can’t tolerate. Whenever I see someone going zealot-mode about his belief in God, I can’t help but look down upon such a person. But it just ticks me off how sure one can be about the most absurd of claims such as a miracle birth, a resurrection, or even the existence itself of a genocidal, sadomasochistic, egomaniac deity for whom many people say "God is love!" The nerve of calling a god who drowns his own creations in a flood and burns them in an eternal lake of fiery torment as the ultimate form of unconditional love!

I dunno about you. But it sounds like bullshit to me.

I’ll make a bet with you, here and now. Most people do NOT believe in a god, per se. Most people do, however, believe it’s a good thing to believe in a god. Some even find comfort in believing in one. That’s all well and good if you ask me. But if it gets to the point that I have to believe the earth is 6000 years old, count me out. If you tell me I should have my eyes gouged out for looking upon a women in awe of her physical, tangible beauty - count me out. If you tell me or even think I can’t be a good person without God, well fuck you. I don’t need to think about the consequences of the non-existent fiery dimension of Hell so that I may do what reason deems as good.

It’s just good ol’ common sense, actually.

You can’t be good at bowling if you rely too much on divine intervention. Let’s break this down so we can actually grasp the concept easier. First, one must acknowledge the improbability of any of the laws of physics being momentarily compromised by some supernatural being for the sake of making that bowling ball hit the pins. Prayer simply, does not work. Okay maybe it does work. But the same amount of prayer directed to Zeus, Thor or even the Virgin Mary will always have an equivalent rate of success to ones directed to Yahweh or Allah or whatever. That is to say, it just doesn’t work. Next, you practice. Play by the laws of physics. Play by the laws of reality. Get those laws to work for you. Not the other way around. The universe doesn’t give a fucking rat’s damn about your bowling. You just get better at it with practice.

We have there a reasonably benign example now, do we? But where does all this come from? How did all this mumbo-jumbo about the Abrahamic religions start?

The Middle East

This pretty much explains everything about this part of the world.

You have to be in awe and reverence at these people! The Jews, the Arabs! Their contributions to civilization have been invaluable. Without the Jews, we wouldn’t have the genius of Einstein, Solomon, Freud, to name a few. Without the Arabs, we wouldn’t have much of Algebra, Astronomy, as we know of it today. But no one I guess is exempted from not having a whole assortment of bull. Few are the places on earth which have not been touched by the three great Abrahamic, monotheistic religions. And when I say touched, they consistently fail to stop just there. People also consistently believe what these people have to say! The Jews with their Holy Land justification-for-war rant going on and on and on… The Muslims with all these "things" they would most certainly do all for the name of Allah and his prophet Mohammed. The Christians with all their politically revelation-inspired foolhardy attempts at global, invasions in the lands of black gold! Yes folks, everything happens in the Middle East. No wonder Magellan had to find another route to the East even a long, long time ago! These people would drive any soul nuts!

Closing off, here’s what I want to say in the hopes of people getting the message.

READ AN EFFING BOOK OR TWO!!!

More importantly…
USE YOUR EFFING BRAINS!!!

Most importantly…
GET IN TOUCH WITH REALITY, PEOPLE!!!

Still believe in an all-good, all-present, all-powerful, all-knowing God? Look around you.

The Filipino is worth dying for.

For heaven’s inexistent sake, read on.

In college history class (not the same bullshit-memorizing you grade and high schoolers have), we were asked the question, "How can you tell a Filipino apart from any other person in an international community?" Ashamed and distraught, all our class had was this: They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things.

Yes, us mouth-pouters are sure worth dying for.

But no, let’s not get caught up in just that, there’s a whole myriad of ways to tell a Filipino apart from other people. There’s even a set of rules for it!

Rules on Being a Filipino

• Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs (never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOLZ)
• Avoid trailer parks.
• Beware of "evil demons".
• Beware of dwarves.
• Act black.
• Elect actors and actresses into public office then clap your hands.
• Believe in superstitious bullshit.
• If you’re a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
• Always climb a volcano.
• When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
• Point with your lips.
• Shop til you drop folks, that’s why our malls are bigger than those in the West!
• Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest
  country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls,
  drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
• Eat rice all the time.
• Use your fingers to cook rice (best done while afflicted with a fatal, contagious disease )
• Ditch utensils!!! Eat with your hands, dammit!
• Be updated about Kris Aquino or some other coño.
• Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you’re not Christian.

(list taken from Uncyclopedia)

A Pinay coño using her electronic body part shamelessly in public.

A little FYI here: Americans refer to us Filipinos as "Flips". It can
mean "Fucking Little Island People" or "Fine Little Island People".
Which is closer to the truth? You decide.

Who’s already hung over greeting people New Year’s Day?!

It’s still day three! For the due close of year 2007, I have appropriated the following comic (is this shit legal to do? >_<) for this post:

Yes, this is the L word I had been talking about when I was blogging like the gay-ass fucker I was back in 2007… when I actually had have the privilege to call myself the L word I so speak of with pure, triste, sadness.

I have this knack of quoting myself…

In a fit of delusional solipsism or plain old avowed arrogance I present to you two of my latest creations. They may or may not be original. Just enjoy them anyway.

Here they are: *drumroll please :p don’t tell me you, of all people don’t get it. :))*

"I’m a loser… You’re a loser too?
Let’s lose ourselves to each other!"

We have seen an example of a pickup line which in the right tongue can became a major force for one’s (or both you and your partner’s) physical benefit. It doesn’t fail to be obvious, the fact that women like men with the right tongue - right in more ways than one.

The other one would be a quote relating sexuality with musical band nomenclature. Without further ado, here it is:

"The perfect band name is one which you can shout out loud during sex."

There’s a third I just made up while writing this! The muses must be on my side.

"Get a girl in one mouth and you get her in the other."

Good night! Tinago tomorrow!

The following bumper sticker lines are from this site.

•       Hairy palms, not cluster bombs

• War’s not kind, beat yourself blind
• Cream your khakis, not Iraqis. 
• Peace is spiffy, stroke your stiffy
• Don’t send the fleet, just beat your meat
• War is shit, rub your clit
• Side with France, reach down your pants
• Peace is the issue. Use a tissue.
• War is Crappy, Slap Your Pappy
• War’s for squares, play downstairs
• Stop war now, milk your cow
• When you jerk tonight, keep peace in sight.
• Down with war, stroke some more
• War is cruel - flog your mule
• Get peace fever, rub your beaver!
• War is heinous, thumb your anus
• You Can’t Beat Off with Nuclear Arms
• War is Mean, Flick Your Bean
• War is wrong, whack your schlong.
• I’m going blind for Mankind
• War is silly, whack your willy
• Think globally, whack locally
• (Don’t smitten, kill a kitten.)

If you might ask, I just found them humorous so I put ‘em up here for you guys to knock yourselves out with.

Please, no cretin bashers or shame mongering homo flick-suckers.

To those in Iligan City (or anywhere near enough), if you get to read this and you’re an atheist as well, do me a favor and let’s be uhmm… friends? lol xD

To theists everywhere, nope, where not starting no silly atheist cult. :))

The human male’s instinctively optimal attitude is easily described this way:

"I’m into her. I’m on to her. I’m in her."

The successful male need not say more.

Fuck New Year’s resolutions!

I don’t need a New Year to find a reason to resolve myself!

I think it pathetic to think that you have to force yourself to change in due part to one full revolution of the earth around the sun. It’s maligned celestial self-righteousness and procrastination of an annual magnitude!

Although it may be a force for a change for the better for people all around the world, it shouldn’t come to everyone as a surprise that there’s a whole year to make resolutions and fulfill them!

It just doesn’t make any sense, people!

Just my 2 cents in.

Happy New Year everyone!

I believe in God, the Father All-Cranky
the Creator of Heaven and Hell

and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, who is also God Himself:

Who was conceived of the Holy Ghost

born of a "virgin" named Mary

suffered under Pontius Pilate

was crucified, died, and was put in a cave.

He went down into Hell.

The third day He felt hot and went up again…

Till he got to heaven.

and kisses the Holy Ass of God the Father All-Cranky

whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost, the holy catholic church

its intimacy with churchboys,

the forgiveness of priests,

the political involvement,

and Dark Ages everlasting,

Amen.